


The Very Unexpected Diary of Gandalf the Grey

by windfallswest



Series: The Very Unexpected Diaries [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Parody, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 04:52:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windfallswest/pseuds/windfallswest





	The Very Unexpected Diary of Gandalf the Grey

**Olórin of the Istari**

 

 **Day 1**  
Found Thrain son of Thror faffing off in pit in ruins of Dol Guldor, looking mangier than Radagast and less coherent than Fëanor in a snit. Sauron apparently not as dead as presumed. Bollocks; is Melkor all over again. 'I'm not dead' routine got old in First Age.

 

 **Day 32,873**  
Ran into Thrain's boy on way to pick up refill of Old Toby in Shire. Bit grim for a Dwarf, but then, had just told him of father's wretched demise.

Thorin already hatching scheme to get back stuffy old mountain from dragon. Sounds awfully familiar. Dwarves. They never learn.

 

 **Day 33,018**  
Full-up on pipeweed. Mmm. Been looking for a Tookish burglar; has to be one around here somewhere. Didn't used to be able to throw a stick around these parts without hitting a light-fingered Took.

 

 **Day 33,019**  
Am apparently not in Tuckburough; oops. Will have to settle for half-Took; serves young Bilbo right for having such one-word conversation. Wonder if he'd like to see new trick I learned with pointy hat?

 

 **Day 33,022**  
Bilbo not interested in pointy hat trick, but Fili and Kili most impressed. Will work on modifying technique for two at once.

 

 **Day 33,054**  
Two at once v bad idea.

 

 **Day 33,055**  
Shoulder aches abominably. To top things off, Thorin apparently walked in at worst possible moment last night, although was too preoccupied to notice.

Is probably a good thing Bilbo not interested, as judging by reaction to current situation, Thorin would definitely have had Bifur kill me if I tried anything. Nevertheless, have decided to make self scarce for time being.

 

 **Day 33,056**  
Saved Company from trolls. Would say Thorin fit to be tied, except already has been. Day looking up.

 

 **Day 33,076**  
Crap, forgot White Council meeting this weekend. Bunch of whingey twats more interested in lecturing about lifestyle choices than dark portents. Saruman and nancy Elves just afraid of breaking a nail.

 

 **Day 33,125**  
Why is Thorin back in Moria? Thought he was trying to reclaim Erebor, not Khazad-dûm. Glad I took that parkour seminar with Oromë back in Valinor. Just hope can escape without running into Balrog. Clingy exes the worst.

 

 **Day 33,126**  
Why isn't there obedience school for Wargs? Sauron would do better if taught troops a little personal responsibility; but no, is all, 'They're supposed to raven through everyone in their path,' and, 'Orcs aren't paper-trained either'.

Thorin goaded into massive hair-pulling contest with stroppy Orc. Was either jump off cliff or throttle little beggar with bare hands.

 **Day 33,127**  
Dramatic moment upstaged by Gwaihir swooping in, the nosey parker. Eagles of Manwë all voyeurs anyway, have kidnapped us all to Big Brother: Middle-Earth. Outlook dire.


End file.
